Year 2000 Compliant Database

[dvd871]

This memo is to announce the development of a new software system which will be Year 2000 compliant. This program is known as "Millennium Year Application Software System" (MYASS). Next Monday there will be a meeting in which I will show MYASS to everyone. We will hold demonstrations throughout the month so that all employees will have an opportunity to get a good look at MYASS. We have not addressed networking aspects yet, so currently only one person at a time can use MYASS. This restriction will be removed after MYASS expands. Some employees have begun using the program already. This morning I walked into a subordinate's office and was not surprised to find that he had his nose buried in MYASS. Some of the less technical people may be somewhat afraid of MYASS. Last week my secretary said to me, "I'm a little nervous, I never put anything in MYASS before." I helped her through the first time and afterward she admitted that it was relatively painless and she was actually looking forward to doing it again, and was even ready to kiss MYASS. There have been concerns over the virus that was found in MYASS upon initial installation, but the virus has been eliminated and we were able to save MYASS. In the future, however, protection will be required prior to entering MYASS. This database will encompass all information associated with the business. As you begin using the program, feel free to put anything you want in MYASS. As MYASS grows larger, we envision a time when it will be commonplace for a supervisor to hand work to an employee and say, "here, stick this in MYASS." It will be a great day when we need data quickly and our employees can respond, "Here it is, I just pulled it out of MYASS."

[dvd871]

Those of you that know me in real life know that I have been selling MYASS for a living for a long time now, and believe me advertising is half the business. I've tried a number of advertising gimmicks, such as when I offered free trial offers (unfortunately people just used and abused MYASS for 15 days and never paid me for anything) I've had the 2 for 1 specials where one person pays for MYASS and a friend gets MYASS for free, I've sold MYASS door to door, on street corners, on Craigslist, AdultFriendFinder, you name it and I've tried to sell MYASS there. I have always given people a free show of MYASS so they can see what it can do, and I recently hired someone to dress MYASS up some. Otherwise known as pimping MYASS .

I know you've probably heard some horror stories about MYASS, like that it's been infected with some kind of a virus or that it's outlived its usefulness, or whatever, but the bottom line is MYASS is the cheapest around and it will get the job done. Besides, MYASS can do a lot of things these johnny-come-lately's never thought possible. Why, I've been playing with MYASS for 10 hours a day for years and I am still constantly discovering new things in it. Bottom line is that MYASS gives you more bang for your buck than any other, it can do things the others can't or won't, and it always gets the job done. No customer leaves before they're satisfied.

[dvd871]

I'm a door-to-door salesman too, and I've hauled MYASS around the country dozens of times (in shrinkwrap). I have to put MYASS on the line every day. This work has its hazards though. One manager in New York told me to shift MYASS, then kicked MYASS right down the stairs. I also have a lot of trouble with cheap startups who only want a piece of MYASS, but they'll never get their hands on MYASS. And there's so many of us salesmen that one CEO complained we're shoving MYASS in his face too much. Lately we've had so much trouble trying to sell it, we've had to rearrange MYASS. There's no other way of saving MYASS. But I think I've had enough of this lifestyle, and I'm signing over MYASS today to a junior salesman. I can't get MYASS straight on all the changes and if new salesmen don't have what it takes, MYASS will be history.

[Cripple]

wow - thats some scary stuff! i better get MYASS into gear!

[Cripple]

i bet it won't be long til some h@cker finds a crack in MYASS 

[compuken]

I am a tech and our company wanted to use MYASS after the OLDASS (Operating Logistics Data Application Software System) was damaged from worms infecting it. MYASS is great said the salesperson but all the secretarys are angry with MYASS, since the bosses want to see what comes out of MYASS on paper. The used to bring the output of MYASS to the executives and they would complain that they just can't use what comes out of MYASS unless it is presented in a cleaner way. So it was my job to change what comes out of MYASS. Since cleaning MYASS, everyone now loves MYASS since they present the output or Shite  (Sizable Hidden Information To Expel) to the clients. The clients love what the Shite looks like, they can tell we have what it takes to help them since MYASS just holds so much. Its all thanks to MYASS.

[Mr.Smiley]

I guess MYASS is getting popular...   :O