Short intro/advertisment text

[Doidel]

Heya

Here's a little advertisment text for our browsergame. I'd appreciate if you'd review it and tell me what sounds weird and what I should change

Thanks a lot
All the best
Doidel

273 years have passed since the Storm Wall shattered the Islandian Civilization, leaving the city of Kar'Goth alone in the face of many enemies.
Eight winters ago, at the end of a bitter Civil War, the people of Kar'Goth proclaimed a new Duke, Duke Agnathos I. He desired, against all odds, safety and prosperity for his people.
But two years later things have gotten even worse, and in the Duke's despair he was advised by the city's wisest councilors to bring back a forgotten order, once known as The Order of Cohortian Protectors.

[JGadrow]

I was going to make commentary, but I found it easier to just do a re-write...

273 years have passed since the Storm Wall shattered the Islandian Civilization leaving the city of Kar'Goth alone in the face of many enemies. Eight winters ago, at the end of a bitter Civil War, the people of Kar'Goth proclaimed a new Duke - Agnathos I. He desired safety and prosperity for his people despite the overwhelming dangers threatening them. However, two years later, things have only grown worse. In his despair, the Duke was advised by the city's wisest councilors to bring back a forgotten order once known as: The Order of Cohortian Protectors.

This probably all works as a single paragraph.

[Nox]

Well, I'd rather say it's short intro than advertisement text, it's too long, too detailed and too story-focused for that...so...short intro.

Now... it depends how much info you want to pass to reader, maybe would be better "273" -> "Almost three centuries"
Then, if I take this text would stand separately then - without describing the threat the reader wouldn't imho really immerse in the
atmosphere and would not know why to take their actions and feelings seriously

[shoespeak]

One thing that may be a turn off to some people is being hit with too many names right away. This is something that I think is true for any short story writer, forum RPG game, etc. d

However, I think that the big issue is that this really doesn't seem like an advertisement for the game. (Unless this is text that is going to give a basic setting over view). If this is an advertisement that you are going to be posting around the net, it should include things like the type of gameplay, pvp depth, single player depth.

Also, in terms of how it sounds, I really can't say anything other than the last sentence is too long. Although I think tense is very important and there is no problems in yours, unlike the posted rewritten version.

[Doidel]

Heya

Thanks for all your answers!
Well, as Nox said, it's rather an intro I see the difference now, and the text's meant to be on the homepage, visible for all visitors.

Especially for an untalented storywriter like me it is quite difficult to write a good intro text, further consider your suggestions and rewrite it to an elaborate one Still, here's my try.

Almost three centuries have passed since the Storm Wall shattered the Islandian Civilization leaving the city of Kar'Goth alone in the face of many enemies. Eight winters ago, at the end of a bitter Civil War, the people of Kar'Goth proclaimed a new Duke by the name of Agnathos. He desired safety and prosperity for his people despite the overwhelming dangers threatening them. However, two years later, things have only grown worse. In his despair, the Duke was advised by the city's wisest councilors to bring back a forgotten order, once known as The Order of Cohortian Protectors.

-Changed the three centuries, thanks for that
-After an intense discussion with the second project member I was unable to leave out any names (except for the Islandian Civilization), since Agnathos and Kar'Goth are central names (protagonists) for the game, and the player himself becomes a Cohortian, i.e. the "Order of Cohortian Protectors" is the most important of all.
- All trimmed to a single paragraph
- "But" to "However", since the second project member agreed, but I myself have no idea why
- shoespeak, you said the last sentence is too long. We were unable to shorten it, maybe you have a suggestion?
- Nox, I talked to you after your reply because I didn't quite get what you wanted to tell me. And I still didn't get it after you said that I should include more "common text". Therefore you provided me with another suggestion, cited at the end of this post.
- For me "despite the overwhelming dangers" sounds weird - am I the only one or do you think alike, and if so, is there a good alternative?

Please take another look and post suggestions. Since this text is the most important of our game I want it to be perfect.

I cannot thank you enough for your help
All the best
Doidel


Nox's text:
Three centuries have passed since the Storm Wall shattered the Islandian Civilization, leaving the city of Kar'Goth alone in the face of many enemies.
Eight winters ago, at the end of a bitter Civil War, the people of Kar'Goth proclaimed a new Duke, Duke Agnathos I. He desired, against all odds, safety and prosperity for his people.
But the times grew even darker, sun rose bloody red every morning and many people never saw home again as they fell under the hand of ravaging Dark riders, conquering cities one by one. In his despair, Duke was advised by the city's wisest councilors to bring back a forgotten order, once known as The Order of Cohortian Protectors.

[jannesiera]

What feels weird to me is that i don't know what this "Storm Wall" is. I can guess, but it makes me feel like I missed something important. Maybe you could change it? Or is it again a very important name that MUST be there ?

[dbest]

I think the last write-up serves a good introduction. I am assuming that the players would be part of the Order of Cohortian Protectors. If so, then tell the viewers what the the order is supposed to do, or what it had done before?

Just my humble opinion.

[Chris]

Almost three centuries have passed since the Storm Wall shattered the Islandian Civilization (why capital letters?) leaving the city of Kar'Goth alone in the face of many enemies ("many" sounds bad, maybe "thousands legions of dark knights"?). Eight winters ago (what do you need all these numbers for? And why winters and not years? Person who knows word "centuries" knows "years" as well, either change winter to year or centuries to generations or something like that), at the end of a bitter Civil War, the people of Kar'Goth proclaimed a new Duke (sounds like US movie, nobles are not proclamed or elected, they are born nobles, that's why this is called feudalism and not democracy) by the name of Agnathos. He desired safety and prosperity for his people despite the overwhelming dangers threatening them (you mean that without dangers he would not desire prosperity of the peaople? I don't understand this sentence...). However, two years later, things have only grown worse (how it is worse, what happened? For example I could imagine that the duke got hemoroides due to long sitting on the throne and then got angry and started sacrificing humans to evil gods so they cure his disease in exchange. Just my interpretation . In his despair, the Duke was advised (I'm not sure since English is not my first language, but this sounds like if it was unfortunate that he was advised or that he didn't want to but they advised him anyway) by the city's wisest councilors (councilors are always the wisest, you could remove it) to bring back a forgotten order, once known as The Order of Cohortian Protectors.

My version:
Eons of peaceful days has passed and came to an end when the legions of Khal'dur, the evil sorceror, invaded Kar'Goth, the capital city of Islandians. The villages were burned, people offered as sacrifaces and merchants become heavily taxed. But one day the beam of hope gleamed at the horizon, when duke Alkazir, the son of the old duke known from his love to the people, came back from exile. As his first order he reestablished the old, almost forgotten, noble order known as The Order of Cohortian Protectors. Now what the kingdom needs is brave heroes to join the order. Are you one of them? If yes, click [REGISTRATION LINK] here.

[jannesiera]

I think "many enemies" sounds good .

I like the spirit of Chris' text: it calls me to save the land as a warrior of a very noble figure returning from exile. I think I like that because it makes me think of how stupid people are that they abandon the truly great persons and later they need to face their mistake, but a truly noble man comes back to save us all, even if they abandoned him before.

On the other hand I don't care much about the sacrifices and stuff. many enemies and diseases is good enough for me. Also I like the councillors part because even if he is a very strong and noble man, he is not a god. If he was he wouldn't need us, warriors...

[shoespeak]

Although I think a lot of what Chris posted is grammatically incorrect...I think its great! I was not really expecting "Are you one of them?"...yes.

And to the OP,
He desired, against all odds, safety and prosperity for his people.But now, two years later, things have gotten even worse. In the Duke's despair he was advised by the city's wisest councilors to bring back a forgotten order, The Order of Cohortian Protectors. Now, what the kingdom needs is (brave heroes to join the order/noble citizens to take up the fight/someone to lead the Order.) Are you one of them? If yes, click [REGISTRATION LINK] here.

The last part is from Chris...but it is how I would break up the original sentence if you don't want to change much else.


edit: I do not mean to be "that guy" about grammar and I don't put too much thought into it any more. I'm just sayin...

[jannesiera]

edit: I do not mean to be "that guy" about grammar and I don't put too much thought into it any more. I'm just sayin...

You should be happy if they already think you're a guy :S.

[shoespeak]

Thanks Janne (not Jan.)...lol

[Doidel]

Thanks for your replies!

Once again, it's difficult to consider all suggestions and opinions, however, I'll give my best ^^ I'll try with another text
Chris' text sounds good, but it's rather an advertisment than an intro. And a short intro is what I try to write
Some comments:
- I cannot explain all the names and alike, the text would get too big
- Islandian Civilation is in capitals because it's a name in our case. It's where the population of Kar'Goth came from.

Almost three centuries have passed since the Storm Wall shattered the Islandian Civilization leaving the city of Kar'Goth alone in the face of the enemy's warbands (The Crimson Hand is a goblin, troll and orc army lead by an Orc). Duke Agnathos, back from exile, fought shoulder to shoulder against the intruders. However, two years later (thought here of something like "after two years of .....", maybe sounds better), the beleaguerers were barely diminished. In the Duke's dispair he was advised by the city's councilors to bring back a forgotten order, once tasked with (difficult sentence here. They have high combat skill, "work" in groups, dress like normal people, etc. Just highly specialised, they were like the "Secret Service" of Kargonar :) ).The Order of Cohortian Protectors.

Please do not hesitate to ask questions. And if you think my third try is even worse, just tell me ^^

All the best
Doidel

[Doidel]

No answer is an answer too
What did I do wrong?

[Nox]

It sounds to me a little bit that the fight was over in those two years

the beleaguerers were barely diminished

I'm not sure if the senteced doesn't actually say the opposite of what you want... "almost/at the brink of -ing" would be more sure I think. E.g. "He was barely hurt" imho means that he don't really have any serious wound and is quite ok.

Last one...maybe:
"with to be a guardians of unsurpassable combat provess, hidden in the crowd among the people of Kar'Goth."
of course feel free to tweak and modify...or throw to dustbin

Then in some other text you can talk about this more, that one can meet them and don't know about it, high-skilled protectors walking amongst them, yet being the deciding element in survival of their nation